Updated: Jan 27, 2019
Recently, I started reading the book, “The Uninvited” (you can click the title and check it out on Amazon). Anyways, I have been battling this fear of rejection. Most people from my high school will read that first line and roll their eyes. “You were the all star athlete, popular girl, up for homecoming queen, surrounded by friends in the hallways” … Yes, on the court or out on the field I wasn’t dealing with real life battles. Those were my get aways. But I still dealt with self image issues, insecurities in my relationship, and being made fun of for being “a good girl” constantly debating whether peer pressure was worth that image or not.
When I look at the things I battle with today, I realize that they were there my whole life. I struggled with panic attacks until I found a way out. I still struggle daily with OCD and perfectionism. (crowd says “ooooo yeah that must be miserable if your biggest struggle is trying to be perfect”). It is. My mind is constantly on 1000% because I have to prepare, study, organize, structure every single thing that I do. It’s exhausting and it’s second nature. I have to tell myself to “breathe”. I will sit there and hold my breath for minutes because of how deep I am wrapped in my thoughts. I feel guilty all of the time because I hardly take any deep breaths while my sisters fight every day to breathe deeply. It’s a constant struggle up in this brain of mine. When I went to school for Social Work I didn’t realize just how much of everything I would learn would carry over into my own daily life. Self care, it’s real, it’s necessary, and it’s not selfish.
We are so critical of one another. I am afraid to express my opinion in the fear of being outcasted and slandered for it. I edit my statuses 47 times before I decide to just delete it because “nobody cares anyways”. I put on a happy face, put my needs aside, and do what will make others happy because I'm a people pleaser and if I don’t, I will be looked at differently. I fear that. (Side note: I honestly don’t know why I named this blog after the book because I am not actually talking about the book at all. But the book does have my mind going in this direction with my thoughts, so maybe that’s why? It is a great book, and I recommend it to everyone. Any ways, keep reading if you want too lol)
I am a christian. Most anyone who knows me, knows this. Everything I do and believe, is based off of that. I try my hardest to find my worth in Jesus alone, but I have my bad days, and I also have my really really bad days. He’s the only way I find sanity in anything. I think this is why my heart hurts so badly for the people who don’t know Him. I would be a mess (bigger mess) if I didn’t have Him. I don’t know how I would get through some of these days.
In closing, as I have re-read through this I have changed my mind on so many thoughts, but told myself not to rewrite it. I see how jumbled this blog post really is. It doesn’t have any structure, it’s just kind of everywhere. That doesn't work for a Type A person. I literally vented every thought that came to mind in this blog while I was thinking about struggles and fear. So, this is more of a diary page than it is a blog post. But it’s real. It’s me. Hi. (and cue deep breath)...
...Be kind. Nobody knows what they’re doing. We are all trying to figure it out, in our own time, on our own paths. Respond to people, don’t leave them on “read”. to wonder what they did wrong. When people say I’m sorry, forgive them. Now, I didn’t say let them walk all over you, but forgive them. Do you know how hard it is to be vulnerable enough to say “Im sorry”?. Do you also know how much weight you carry around when you harbor resentment and lack the ability to forgive? I do. When you see someone struggling, lend a hand. But don’t lend a hand just for a “thank you”. Don’t set expectations, you will be let down and that person will never please you. You will always be disappointed if you think everyone else has the same heart as you.
Whatever you do, do it in love. We all need it. Help one another. Help one another through the struggle we’re all surrounded by. Most of all be patient. The only thing that you can control, is yourself. You can’t understand what someone else is going through, but you can respond with love to whatever it is. Your kindness will change people. (but don't expect it too!) Love yourself just as I’m saying to love others. And remember, self care is not selfish
Anyways, that’s me and my take. Off to Disney World I go. I could use the happiest place on Earth. God bless you all. Spread love.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.